Sorry for not keeping up with the schedule I promised. Last week was a continuation of last year’s issues I mentioned in the Christmas Break post below. Essentially I spent last week watching that one video over and over again. (No, this does not appear to be pathological. According to somebody on the internet.)
It went so far that I actually asked somebody for help with my mental state, something I have done exactly once before in my life, despite having been depressed for roughly half of that time.
Then I thought that I can’t just meet somebody and say “well, I have no idea what the problem is, really, but fix it anyway.”
So, last Friday I tried to figure out what actually is wrong. And after walking up and down in my house talking to myself out loud (Yes. I’m so glad I live alone. Pumpkin doesn’t mind, he thinks it’s all about him.) it finally hit me:
I’m not depressed right now. I’m stuck.
So, last year was bad in its entirety: professionally, financially, mental health-wise… And in that time, I created too many loose ends. Loose ends that need to be picked up again and taken care of.
Unfortunately, when it comes to things like these, I’ve always been quite indecisive, prone to procrastination. It takes me ages to come to a conclusion and act upon it, and in this case I felt that pulling at the wrong thread (and there were many) might lead to everything blowing up in my face.
Yet again, the simple realization of what was actually wrong led to a feeling of intense clarity. The same kind of clarity I felt when I finally decided to move to Japan. It’s a wonderful feeling. “The unbearable lightness of clarity” I like to call it.
Mind you, that doesn’t mean that I know exactly what to do next. Just the general direction. And picking up the loose ends and dealing with them, one thread at a time, is what lies ahead. I have no idea what will happen when I do that, but I’ll find out soon enough. I’m expecting to create more loose ends, but I can deal with those too in due cause.
I’m feeling better already.